Hipsters; Beware! You Are Not “Not Cool” (enough)

(subtitle=)

The Top 5 Lame/Awesome Bands:

5. The Spice Girls. Why; you ask? Who doesn’t dance to that godawful song when they hear it? Terrible as it is, it squirms into your head like an earwig from a bad science fiction movie to lay eggs in your brain. You can’t deny it.

4. The Spin Doctors. How come; you say? Who has never been one of Two Princes and/or Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong? Come on; man…need I say more?

3. New Kids On The Block. They had some catchy stuff. They’re on this list because I liked Pink Floyd when I was 8 years old and they still duped me into spending my allowance on T-shirts and posters.

2. Hall & Oates. I doubt I need to elaborate. ‘Sarah, Smile’ really speaks for itself. Might I point out, however, that ‘Rich Girl’ is one of the most honest songs of bitter heartache, mixed with male pride that I have ever heard…no? Okay. Google it. Badass tune, if a little sad.

1. Genesis. The Phil Collins Project. Yeah….I said it. Genesis. They had some good tunes. Videos were lame, but hey…that’s what makes youtube so famous; right?

And, there you have it. I was cool to be not cool before it had a label; and don’t adopt me, either, you flannel shirt, trucker hat wearin muthafuckas….I was you before you were a fad.

5 Reasons Why My Daughter Will Never Be A Girl Scout…

5.  Those uniforms look ridiculous, even on the cutest of kids (which, I can safely say, my kiddo is). I couldn’t picture her in that dorked-out getup, and  I don’t want to, either.

4.  Is it just me, or do all of those groups feel like weird little gateway cults? Ok, maybe it’s just me, but they really do seem to be paving the way toward a life of Scientology or Jehovah’s Witnesses.

3.  I don’t want her to be a little cheerleader type who can’t think for herself because she was indoctrinated into some group of future fascists.

2.  No way am I leaving my daughter’s “outdoor education” to some weirdo in a beret who actually volunteers to be alone with other peoples’ kids.

1.  And finally (drum roll, please), I absolutely refuse to support any institution who, when teaching my daughter supposed survival skills, instructs her to go out and sell her cookies. What about building a fire, or those really cool knots they teach boys? Nope. Just go door to door and sell your cookies. What are they teaching these kids? Prostitution?

Well, that’s all for today. To those of you who want to be offended or stick up for the buttwipes mentioned above, save your ink (figuratively speaking). This was only meant to be funny.

Finally…

…the follow-up. I know what you’re thinking, but it was hard to find facts.

I learned that we sometimes lie because we are ashamed.

Other times, we are protecting ourselves.

Maybe, even, we lie just to get what we want.

As a woman, I can safely say that, occasionally, a white lie is just less complicated than the truth. Yes; every now and again; I have fibbed merely because it is easier than explaining the minute details of what actually transpired. My question is…

What starts it? What makes ‘compulsive liars’ do it? Why do we start so young? Why is it so (apparently) instinctive? Okay, okay. So maybe I need to pluralize it. Either way, those are my questions.

I did some research on it and, it turns out, none of us really know much about the brain, aside from basic functionality. The physiology of the brain is so perplexing, we might as well consider ourselves a half a step up from ancient Egyptian priests who, when mummifying a body, threw the brain aside as if it were an appendix (a whole another can of worms, if you ask me). Look it up. They preserved the intestines, liver, stomach, and lungs in Canopic Jars, while the heart remained in the body for “use in the afterlife”. As for the brain? They couldn’t understand it, so it didn’t matter (gonna go ahead and leave that one alone).

People lie to save face. We lie to avoid trouble. We lie to get laid…

So many reasons, and not one scientifically proven, unbiased explanantion. Hmmm. Does that NOT bother anyone else? I, for one, would like to understand the basis of the malicious lies. Are we a malicious People, who refuse to acknowledge as much? Or, is there a better explanation? 

 

Nope.

We would have to expose ourselves to find it, so it is therefore, unworthy the risk.