The Top Ten Movies You’ve never Seen; Or…

Have Forgotten (altogether).

No. 10= Big Fish

I rarely meet someone who has watched this flick, let alone, someone who likes it. As for those who actually GET IT…fewer, still. We are a rare breed, those who watch a movie to infer the contents of the soul(s) behind it. This was a movie about a young man who told tall tales about a mostly imagined life (as seen from the point of view of his very cynical and over-worked, modernized son). This was a tale told to remind us how great our fathers and grandfathers were. To teach a generation of decomposing values how our mothers waited and our fathers fought. How hard and how epic was the journey of life when it still meant making a climb or two. It’s visually stunning with exceptional dialogue, and a hero we can’t help but to love. Watch and enjoy.

No. 9= The Ringer

Yeah, it might be a bit cliche, and it’s definitely the ONLY format movie you’ll see on this list (same storyline….insert character name; here…type of bullshit), but it’s got something beautiful to say. The Ringer reminds me why I like the Farrelly Brothers so much. The characters aren’t perfect, but you’ve got to love them. The realism of those offbeat people who waltz into your life insisting you take notice of a world you hardly ever see, are the most beautiful of our gifts, here.

No. 8= Vanilla Sky

Yes. I know I’m the only person on Earth who liked that movie. Guys who wanted to get into my pants have occasionally pretended, but it’s easy to tell when that happens…usually. Hear me out. I love Vanilla Sky for a couple of reasons. The first is that the preview set me up. I didn’t expect a single effing thing that happened, aside from her driving off the bridge. I’m  a writer. I enjoy a good old-fashioned mindfuck every now and then. It’s why I write…or play chess…or fiddle with Pandora, just to see what they’ll make me listen to, based solely on the masses. The other reason, is the dialogue. Yes, they all talk like writers (which I generally loathe), but they all are writers and agents, so it fits…for once. The writers want the agents to pull for them; the agents want the writers to think they are witty enough to sell them. It’s a fake world to begin with, except the one real thing; love. Hence; the tagline (title of the original Spanish Indie flick, by the way): “Open Your Eyes”. This is funny…it’s a good seguay for the next one.

No. 7= American Beauty

Call me dumb, if ya want…I call me young. I certainly didn’t see this little spin on Romeo and Juliet (with the fathers as the dead people) coming. It was a great little switch for me and it sort of paved the way for me to be this independent thinker type. I said it before and I’ll say it again…if I didn’t see it coming; I’m impressed.

No. 6= Prime

Uma Thurman has always looked like an alien to me…sorry. She has this face you want to send to its home planet. Nonetheless, I respect her as an actress. There was the leap from daft looking cover girl to Pulp Fiction, plus the fact that she rocked the bride in Kill Bill(s). Then, she dates this hot young guy in a romantic comedy where (wait for it….SPOILER ALERT!)

Nah, I’m messing with you. Watch the movie, already. I’m not a dick.

No. 5= Nothing But Trouble

Man, was that movie fun. John Candy, Chevy Chase, Demi Moore (when she was still cute, before the boob job slutty stuff), a couple of other 80’s funny people… It was good stuff. Way out of the ordinary, unpredictable, random cast. Just a really fun story. I loved that movie, purely for its inherent weirdness.

No. 4= It Happened One Night

Okay, so it’s a classic. Does ANYone born after 1965 remember why?? I highly doubt it. If you ever catch TCM; you’ll see the stage set for everything that came after. This movie is the reason I hate modern comedy. It’s a farce of a copy of something real, at this point. When you make a copy, it will always be flawed, and I see why.

No. 3= The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

If I were terribly biased, all seven of Wes Anderson’s movies would have been on this list, simply by default. I picked this one because it was my first, and because I had no idea what I was getting myself into with this movie. I sat there, watching it, wondering (for two hours) if it was worth my time. I almost turned it of fifteen times; but something compelled me to watch. I guess it was akin to the thing that keeps the horrible (but naked), big-breasted, blond actress stamped firmly to the floor in a bad horror flick a second too long, except that I wasn’t murdered. At the end of the movie, I immediately rewound it (yes; VHS; I was poor) and watched the whole thing over again. I was in love with that style of movie-making from the get-go.

No. 2= The Dark Crystal

I can’t really explain it. Just watch and, either you get it, or you don’t. It’s weird; I’ll grant you, but it does have a way of morphing into (at least) slight obsession; so look out. It’s Henson at his best, truly.

No. 1= (drum roll; please…)  Harold and Maude

Again, it’s hard to describe. I lost myself somewhere in between the Cat Stevens soundtrack and a teenager’s obsession with death mixed with the oddest love affair I have ever seen. The thing about Harold and Maude; you see; is a grand lesson in not taking life too seriously.

Stay tuned…guilty pleasures might rear their ugly heads in a day or two. And, again, thank you for reading.

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iPhone 5: Beyond the Novelty

Yes, yes, I have the new iPhone 5. I work for a company that repairs iPhones and customizes them. As innovators, we have to be on the verge of technology. I wasn’t one of the damned fools who camped out in front of the store, or anything. The i5 is a great little gadget. However, I still love my 4. Why, oh why? Never underestimate the power of the jailbreak, ladies and gentlemen.

The iPhone 5 is sleek and sophisticated. I’m not gonna lie; it’s pretty. It’s about half the weight of the 4; this is true. And the LTE seems to be the only real, solid reason to get it. That LTE is lightning quick, but it eats the hell out of your data plan. If you’re like most of my colleagues, who managed to get grandfathered in on the Verizon Unlimited; good for you. LTE, away! If, however, you are like me and never used much data until recently; you’re screwed. Verizon has done away with unlimited data just when the best technology has been offered for Apple products.

My 4 automatically hooks up to WiFi, anywhere I go, plus she is jailbroken. So, yes, I can safely say that the 4 and 4S are not going to be quite obsolete any time, soon. There are a lot of advantages to owning both phones, but I wouldn’t have traded the 4 (who sports a gameboy case plus every single NES game ever made, prompting me to name it Zelda) for the 5. No way; no how.

There you are. My analysis; for your consideration.

Hipsters; Beware! You Are Not “Not Cool” (enough)

(subtitle=)

The Top 5 Lame/Awesome Bands:

5. The Spice Girls. Why; you ask? Who doesn’t dance to that godawful song when they hear it? Terrible as it is, it squirms into your head like an earwig from a bad science fiction movie to lay eggs in your brain. You can’t deny it.

4. The Spin Doctors. How come; you say? Who has never been one of Two Princes and/or Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong? Come on; man…need I say more?

3. New Kids On The Block. They had some catchy stuff. They’re on this list because I liked Pink Floyd when I was 8 years old and they still duped me into spending my allowance on T-shirts and posters.

2. Hall & Oates. I doubt I need to elaborate. ‘Sarah, Smile’ really speaks for itself. Might I point out, however, that ‘Rich Girl’ is one of the most honest songs of bitter heartache, mixed with male pride that I have ever heard…no? Okay. Google it. Badass tune, if a little sad.

1. Genesis. The Phil Collins Project. Yeah….I said it. Genesis. They had some good tunes. Videos were lame, but hey…that’s what makes youtube so famous; right?

And, there you have it. I was cool to be not cool before it had a label; and don’t adopt me, either, you flannel shirt, trucker hat wearin muthafuckas….I was you before you were a fad.

5 Reasons Why My Daughter Will Never Be A Girl Scout…

5.  Those uniforms look ridiculous, even on the cutest of kids (which, I can safely say, my kiddo is). I couldn’t picture her in that dorked-out getup, and  I don’t want to, either.

4.  Is it just me, or do all of those groups feel like weird little gateway cults? Ok, maybe it’s just me, but they really do seem to be paving the way toward a life of Scientology or Jehovah’s Witnesses.

3.  I don’t want her to be a little cheerleader type who can’t think for herself because she was indoctrinated into some group of future fascists.

2.  No way am I leaving my daughter’s “outdoor education” to some weirdo in a beret who actually volunteers to be alone with other peoples’ kids.

1.  And finally (drum roll, please), I absolutely refuse to support any institution who, when teaching my daughter supposed survival skills, instructs her to go out and sell her cookies. What about building a fire, or those really cool knots they teach boys? Nope. Just go door to door and sell your cookies. What are they teaching these kids? Prostitution?

Well, that’s all for today. To those of you who want to be offended or stick up for the buttwipes mentioned above, save your ink (figuratively speaking). This was only meant to be funny.

Finally…

…the follow-up. I know what you’re thinking, but it was hard to find facts.

I learned that we sometimes lie because we are ashamed.

Other times, we are protecting ourselves.

Maybe, even, we lie just to get what we want.

As a woman, I can safely say that, occasionally, a white lie is just less complicated than the truth. Yes; every now and again; I have fibbed merely because it is easier than explaining the minute details of what actually transpired. My question is…

What starts it? What makes ‘compulsive liars’ do it? Why do we start so young? Why is it so (apparently) instinctive? Okay, okay. So maybe I need to pluralize it. Either way, those are my questions.

I did some research on it and, it turns out, none of us really know much about the brain, aside from basic functionality. The physiology of the brain is so perplexing, we might as well consider ourselves a half a step up from ancient Egyptian priests who, when mummifying a body, threw the brain aside as if it were an appendix (a whole another can of worms, if you ask me). Look it up. They preserved the intestines, liver, stomach, and lungs in Canopic Jars, while the heart remained in the body for “use in the afterlife”. As for the brain? They couldn’t understand it, so it didn’t matter (gonna go ahead and leave that one alone).

People lie to save face. We lie to avoid trouble. We lie to get laid…

So many reasons, and not one scientifically proven, unbiased explanantion. Hmmm. Does that NOT bother anyone else? I, for one, would like to understand the basis of the malicious lies. Are we a malicious People, who refuse to acknowledge as much? Or, is there a better explanation? 

 

Nope.

We would have to expose ourselves to find it, so it is therefore, unworthy the risk.

Born to lie??

Well, I know that there are a lot  of professional liars out there. Politicians, for example, are one big sham after another. Anyone who tries to make everyone happy all of the time has to be a liar, otherwise it simply can’t be done. But remember, all of you out there, your lies always catch up with you, eventually.

This topic came to me the other day, when my four-year-old told me (what I’ve since learned is) a “defensive” lie. She didn’t want to get in trouble. I did my research and found that this is a common problem. As I thought more about the subject, however, I remembered that she has lied to me before, but I let the little ones go, back then. I figured that this was a natural part of childhood and I ignored it in the hopes that she would lie less if I didn’t warrant them much attention. As she gets older, I realize that this is absurd. Why should lying be a natural part of childhood? Because they see so many adults do it? Or is it ingrained? I would love to understand the neuroscience of it, and I promise there will be a follow-up, as soon as I do some research. I wanted to get the emotional part of it off of my chest and help other parents deal with the urge their four-year-olds probably feel to lie and make up stories.

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”
― Mark Twain

This is one of my favorite quotes. Period. It’s so succinct.

I’ve learned that children (especially around this age) make up crazy, fantastic stories rather often. I also found a couple of wonderful solutions from a seasoned mother of six. It’s difficult for kids, at this age, to distinguish reality from fantasy. When this occurs and they tell a ridicullous story as though it were true, you have a couple of options. It’s important not to be too harsh; let them know better without making them feel like they’re crazy. You can join in. If your child says s/he saw a bear on the racetrack when s/he was driving his/her race car (real life example, by the way), you can say something like, “Oh, yeah, me too. He was big and fluffy and yellow…”. It forces them to face the fact that they made it up, even if they do start to wonder about your sanity. Or, you can gently redirect, by injecting bits of reality into the fantasy. Using the same story, you can ask something like, “Oh my gosh, did the bear jump off the racetrack when he saw you?”.

With defensive lies, the best thing to do is to sit down with your child and make him/her admit to the misdeed. It’s the most positive and effective way to correct the behavior.

I, honestly, wish we were hard-wired not to lie. But, then again, I’m pretty damn lofty, that way.

Ok, ok, so I’m a little bit late…

…plus, everyone else is already blogging about it. I don’t usually get political, so I was going to be a gentlewoman and leave this one alone. That is, I was, until I stumbled across this (from an Aunt I used to think was an intelligent, logical, strong woman) on Facebook…

Jody O’Donnell Stinson to Gloria Holmes Cooper
“I do know that many women claim ‘rape’ when indeed it was consensual but later she had second thoughts to save face or get revenge for later being spurned.” I saw this on Roger’s page, written by you. It made me sick. It is people who think (and speak) like this that make girls and women AFRAID to speak out when they have been raped or molested. I KNOW too many who have dark secrets about being harmed and are too afraid to say a word out of fear that they will not be believed because the person was “a good person” and “could never do that”. These people live every day alone with the hurt. I’m not going to sit here and argue my case, I know you will have a billion things to throw at me attempting to defend your statement. I just wanted to stand up for all those who HAVE been hurt and say something because too many times people say nothing at all.Gloria Holmes Cooper: You have your thoughts about it and nothing I can say would change it. You take an example and run with that like it is the whole story. Sheesh! I was a juror at a rape trial. The guy got convicted, but believe me there were extenuating circumstances. Why do you think girls were so protected in the past and wore modest clothing? To thwart them or to protect them? These days molestation and date rape are epidemic. Gee I wonder why?

Julia Gulia: I think I’m going to throw up. There are a lot of things going through my mind right now, but all I will say is that you just lost ALL my respect, Gloria, in implying that any girl, anywhere, is ever “asking for it.” Surprise, surprise… I agree wholeheartedly with Jody. What that right wing nitwit said about “legitimate rape” makes me want to slap him in the face with a prison penis.

* By the way, I am Julia Gulia in this scenario*
She had posted this comment in response to the now infamous Todd Akin quote, which was (in case you’ve been in a fallout shelter for the past two days): “First of all, from what I understand from doctors [pregnancy from rape] is really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”
It has been proven (by modern science, not Jesus) that a woman can get pregnant without having an orgasm, as it seems that this is what he tried to imply. It has also been proven that men have immediate access to two hands and a bottle of lotion. Rape, if you ask me, is inexcusable, by any means.
I’m not going to share my views on abortion. They are akin to George Carlin’s; we’ll leave it at that. A moral aversion to abortion is NO excuse to allow for moral ambiguity on behalf of rape victims. An average rape sentence is eight years, for the offender.
You do the math, for the victim’s average rape sentence.

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